back to my roots

I had a really profound dream about 2 months ago. . I don’t generally remember my dreams, (although I have been more lately) but when I do they are usually pretty intense.  I’ve meant to write about this one for weeks now, but hey- what else is new?

So I was outside next to a long building with many doors- it looked a lot like a motel, but one from the Old West or something.  The ground was dusty, packed down dirt.  There was a row of hedges in front of me bordering a field.  I walked up to the hedges next to an acquaintance of mine (a girl from my herb class).  Way out in the middle of the field was a bull.  It was doing it’s bull thing, pawing at the ground a bit and snorting, but seemed in it’s own world.  The friend of mine was warning me that it was coming, it was going to charge, and telling me what I should and shouldn’t do.  I remember her telling me specifically not to run.  It seemed to me in that moment that she was being overly serious- the bull didn’t look like it was a threat to us in the slightest.  And besides, it was really far away.  I wasn’t listening to her at all.  And then, all of a sudden, the bull looked up- straight toward us- and starting charging.  I didn’t care what she had said, I turned and ran.  For a moment it seemed like there really was no threat- the bull was so far away and I thought I had plenty of time to hide somewhere out of harms way.  My friend had since disappeared and I was now alone.  I ran over to the building and opened one of the many doors.  I realized quickly that the bull had covered a lot of ground quickly and was already close to being upon me.  I ran into the room behind the door I’d opened (which was like a storage unit on the inside) and went to slam the door behind me.  But the door wouldn’t close.  It seemed to have swollen in the humidity and was now too fat to close properly.  I put my full weight against it, coming to terms with the understanding that there was no way I was going to be able to hold off a bull with just my body weight.  I could hear him sniffing around the door handle out there, literally only inches of cheap wood separating the two of us.  He nosed the door a few times, but by some crazy luck decided to move on elsewhere.

Quickly I scanned the room around me which included a closet- and somehow I knew there was a shotgun in there.  I grabbed it with the intention of getting myself safely out of the confined room I was in, past the bull, and out of that damned place.  The only issue was that, though I have had a couple brief lessons on how to handle and shoot a shotgun, I have never actually done it.  And that terrified me.  Worse, when I walked outside of the room I found that the bull was circling a close friend of mine (and it was one of those strange dream scenarios where I knew who the friend was but he had a different face, so maybe it was an amalgamation of people.  But it was a mutual friend of myself and Robert- that part seemed important).  So the bull was circling and snorting and it was suddenly very apparent that the intention of this animal was to rape-to-death my friend.  This was a bull in heat.  I don’t know if this is in any way something that “raging bulls” actually do, and I don’t know how I knew that’s what was about to happen (perhaps the first friend who was warning me about what was to come had told me… I don’t know),  but I knew I had to shoot the bull in order to save my friend.  I was even more scared now because missing no longer simply meant missing and perhaps scaring or pissing the bull off more than he already was- missing now meant I could very easily shoot my friend by accident.  Shaking and sweating I brought the weapon up to my shoulder and was looking down the site when, out of nowhere Robert was behind me.  He took the gun from me carefully and went to aim and take care of the situation himself.  And then…

The phone rang and I woke up.

After I got off the phone I went back to bed and thought “huh. I was having a really exciting dream. Maybe I can go back to it”.  Then I remembered the specifics of the dream and realized I didn’t really want to go back there at all!

Now. What’s interesting is my rational interpretation of this and the emotions I was going through when Robert took the gun from me.

My emotion while I was still experiencing the dream was one of impotence and frustration at not being able to accomplish what I set out to do.  Part of this was frustration at my own fear, but the main aspect of it was that Robert came and “just took care of it”.  This happens from time to time in real life- he’s only trying to help and sees me struggling at something, so he helps by taking over.  I end up feeling half grateful and half helpless because I never get to figure out and solve my own problems.  We’ve talked about it and are always working at finding the right balance.  If I was faced with a deadly bull inches from a close friend of mine in real life then damn straight I’d want Robert to take the fucking gun!  He’s a better shot and has more experience, no contest.  But in the dream, however terrified I was… I guess I wanted to be my own hero.  When I had this dream Robert was about to go away for a month for EMT training and I was actually really excited to have the time to myself and be a completely separate and singular person for awhile.

The other facet of this dream is the timing of it and the place I was at in my life 2 months ago.  And this is where I believe the true meaning of the dream lies.  If I analyze the dream in the method where all characters are really pieces of my own self-conscious, then the meaning is quite apparent.  Without getting into the nitty gritty of each and every element, I was feeling completely and totally trapped by my job and frustrated by life in general.  I knew I needed to get out  (my sub-conscious had been warning me this for months and months) and yet I kept making rationalizations about why I should stay.  Slowly the realization was coming to me that working 40++ hours a week in an office is an extremely unhealthy thing for my person to be doing.  I had been putting way too much of myself into that place for no reward or really even thanks, and coming home every day with not an ounce of spirit or creative energy left.  I have done half of one painting in the year I’ve worked there.  I don’t draw, write, bike, or climb like I used to- or at all really!  It’s toxic.
The dream was actually quite accurate foreshadowing for what was to come.  The month while Robert was gone was utter hell as the staff at work got decimated, an 8-hour day became less common than unicorns and leprechauns, and the politics, bullshit, lies, and drama were ramped up past anything I’d ever seen there before.  I came home every day and all I could bring myself to do was drink wine and watch videos and be left the fuck alone.  It finally all came to a head, and with Robert wanting to look for EMT work in a larger city and my own utter depression we decided to take the leap and move to Portland.  One of us shot that damn bull.  Perhaps on the inside I wanted to be the savior of my own well-being, flip everybody off, and walk away.  But before I could actualize that, Roberts new career path took the reins and lead the way.  In my waking life I don’t give a damn who gets credit, I’m just happy as hell to be out of that ridiculous place and back on a new path where I will promise to remember what’s truly important to me and the things that I am no longer willing to sacrifice for any reason whatsoever.

After a hellish two weeks where it took all my strength to even be civil to other human beings, my last day at work was Friday.  I feel renewed and rejuvenated and completely grateful to have shed that daily grind from my life.  And yes, I did flip off the office the last time I drove away.  I think some random dude sitting in his car on the street saw me, and that made me laugh all the more.

(*Fun side note: you know those great little signs from the universe you sometimes get when you make the right move?  Well I had been house-hunting in Eugene for literally 6 months and absolutely nothing had even remotely worked out for a variety of reasons.  First email to an old co-worker in Portland telling her the news and lo-and-behold they have an extra bedroom in their house.  There. Matter settled.)

So, in keeping with spirit of liberating my shoulders from unnecessary weight and obligations, I cleansed and purged in one of the most classic ways possible.  I literally cut off the dead weight…

“IT’S A DEAD MUPPET!!” (pipes in Robert…)

Yep, that’s right, this last year I have worked and worked to grow my hair back out.  I fussed and dyed and had fancy feathers put in it, all to try to help myself through the awkward stage and on to long tresses of awesomeness.  Well, like my job experience, not all things you dedicate yourself to turn out the way you would have hoped.  I didn’t make a career out of my stint with a big herb company, and I didn’t find new inspiration in my mop.  All I ended up with was this very normal looking hair to go along with my attempt at some kind of very normal job. Hmf.

blech. So over it!!

And then…

after a big itchy mess..

PURGE!!!!!!

There’s that person I’ve been hiding all this time!  I feel so reborn right now.

And you know what I did get out of the last year?

A seriously kickass herb, tea and spice collection (and this doesn’t even include the body care products and tinctures!)

So, exciting things are to come.  Most important of them all, time. Time to think and create and feel and travel and simply be. I worry a little about finding work in Portland based on things I hear, but right now I feel more alive than I have in ages and, money-be-damned, that will float me for awhile..

Advertisement

~ by dreamofgreen on October 25, 2010.